I remember very little as a child. I always felt like I wasn't wanted, especially by my adopted mother. My dad was loving; however, he was away a great deal of time. I was born in the era when children were seen and not heard. I was told from an early age that my opinion didn't matter. I was told to obey and not question authority. My mother was a disciplinarian, and she told me many times if I didn't behave, she was going to take me back to the orphanage. This knowledge caused me to stuff down my feelings because I truly believed if I cried, or acknowledged hurt, she would take me back to the orphanage.
As a child in elementary school, my mother would be upset with me, and spank me with a wet washcloth and send me out the door to school. I would cry on the way to the bus stop, but I learned early on no one wanted to be around a child that was sad, crying, or depressed. I really didn't have anyone to talk to, so I decided I would always be happy and smiling because I wanted people to like me. I lived the majority of my life fearing my daddy was going to leave my mom and leave me with her. I didn't want to do anything to upset either of them.
In retrospect, I realize I was being abused and neglected, and it would have been so helpful to have a CASA in my life at a young age who could be my voice to express the sorrow and abandonment I felt as a child.